Recently, I hosted an in-person Find Your Word workshop at LEAD Filipino’s Annual Event, the Fly Pinay Leadership Summit.  A bunch of chatter showed up because this was the first in-person coaching workshop I’ve ever done for my practice after launching it in October 2022.  I’ve delivered coaching workshops online over the last two and a half years, and I didn’t know if I could migrate the content displayed through shared screen systems into a live and personalized format.  I had a two-to-three-week lead time to move this online version to in-person and wanted to share the Top Three Tips I learned in this experience.

1.Focus on your Content.
When your focus moves to worrying about logistics, conditions of the room, attendance, and event details, you are shifting some of your creative energy from your workshop to the presence you will bring to your attendees.  Be sure to check into any facilitator meetings that will give you an overview of what you need to know around the event, obtain answers to your questions, and follow up on all the essentials that will set you up for success.  You don’t have to sweat the small stuff.  (Yes, I am a big fan of Richard Carlson’s Book Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff).  Sweat about the stuff that is in your control.  Your content and your presence.

• Look over your content and see what can translate well into an in-person experience. 
  • For example, if there are breakout room questions which normally led to an online tool magically putting people in pairs, trios, quads, or groups, consider how you will do it during your meeting day.  Will you do a random selection of people, count off people like 1-2-3 and group all the 1s together, then the 2s, and 3s.  This example provides structure.  When there is structure, you and your attendees can stay focused on the workshop topic and minimize confusion on the how-to, when-to, and where-to do things during the workshop.
• Judiciously remove or enhance your content if the in-person workshop timeframe differs from the online version.
  • Online workshops run the risk of an asynchronous learning environment – some workshops run like a webinar more than a series of two-way conversations.  If that’s how you roll, GREAT!  If you would like more interactions during your workshop, that takes time, make space for it – your attendees will thank you.
• Gamify your workshop.
  • Remember when we were students in school and our teachers would make our learning environments fun?  Switching seats throughout the day or if you answer a question or finish a project, you get a gold star.  Inject some play and rewards throughout your workshop.  This demonstrates not only attendance in the workshop; but also, engagement.

2. Embrace Improvisation
I’ve had the good fortune of being around a creative partner who has studied and does improvisation.  Watching his journey from novice student to steady performer and integrating improv into other activities gave me an opportunity to embrace some of the principles from that world.  Some of which helped me in being present in front of people instead of a screen.  If you have an opportunity to check out a local improv troop, do it! 
If not, check out this video from a Bay Area Local's Live Clickbait.

• Live Studio Audience Mindset
  • People’s energy can move you.  Take a moment to ground yourself and what you want to offer your attendees.  Prepare a purpose statement that aligns to your core values.  Write it on an index card, at the top of your planner, as a digital flashcard, or on a post it.    The purpose of this workshop is to offer my attendees [A]___________ and for me to [B]______________________.  Together, we will [C]_________________________.  As you move closer to the event date, look at your purpose statement a few times a day.  If you can put a tagline on it – a one liner if you will, give it a try.  If something goes sideways or an unexpected issue comes up, return to your purpose statement.  You can say it silently to yourself or take a moment to remind your attendees why we are all here to today.  If you want to keep it simple – go for the tagline.  “We’re here to have FUN!”  or “Remember, we’re here to learn something new.”  Over time, you develop an ability to read the room.  Read the energy and leverage it to move your workshop.
• Yes, and…
  • This improv principle allowed me to integrate willingness into this experience.  YES, this will be different AND I get to see what will happen live.  YES, there won’t be virtual breakout rooms AND attendees will get to connect via small groups.  YES, I will need to bring some supplies for the group activities AND I get to make it as colorful and engaging as I’d like.  When we take a chance to say YES AND, we have an opportunity to flow from one action to another without too much chatter.  This dynamic opens possibility to whatever unfolds in front of you.
• Go with it
  • Appreciate the contributions and discussions your attendees are offering.  Use some of their ideas to tailor the discussion with what themes and insights are emerging from the conversation.  Our ability to translate and transform the energy in the room with workshop material is a magical and illuminating moment.  This demonstrates presence, knowledge sharing, gathering, and community awareness.  By going with it, you are free, creative, and removing the “get it right” vibe which lends itself to elevating your authenticity factor.

3. Pre-Workshop Packing
Just like any other trip, move, or special event, making sure you have all your workshop materials is an important component in creating ease for moving from one physical location to another.  The goal we are looking for is preparation.  Not just in equipment but also in mindset.  Preparation is all about opportunity meeting luck; consequently, practicing mindfulness in the preworkshop packing step offers us a chance to perform a “run of show” like exercise the day of our event.

• Brainstorm on your Tech
  • Sitting at your desk or where you normally hold/host your virtual events, take inventory and stock of what you’ve used.  Create a list.  The easy items may come to mind, the laptop, monitor (maybe even a second and third monitor), microphone, headphones, mouse, etc.  Take a moment to read it over, and now go a layer deep.  Think, mouse pad, connection cords, power cords, stylus.  Take a moment to read that over and go one more layer deep.  Think, batteries, screen cleaner, and whatever else you use frequently and specifically to the workshop you are holding.  Now look at this piece of paper and ask yourself the question, do I need this to present live?  If yes, highlight in green or circle.  If not, highlight in pink or x out.
• Tech to Analog
  • Once you’ve considered what you need to present, think about what your attendees will need for your workshop.  Since you will be hosting, will you want them to bring notebooks, pens, pencils?  Instead of delivering files and tools electronically, will you flash it on the screen or have handouts?  Be in your attendees’ shoes for a bit and itemize what you would bring to your own workshop to ensure you reap all the benefits of the discussion.  Be sure to communicate these needs to people who have signed up to attend.
• Visualize the Departure
  • After you care for your gear and your attendees needs, take a moment to see the morning, afternoon, or evening of your workshop event.  Standing in my bathroom with wet hair and a towel around me, I forgot what to do next.  Thank goodness my nine-year-old said, “You might want to blow dry your hair.”  This gave me enough time to realize that after hosting so many events online, I forgot how to build in time to get ready, get on the road, and get to the event.  Put some thought into what you will wear (Is it clean?  Does it need to be ironed? Do you have to buy something new?), what will be in your non-gear bag, and what else you may need to be workshop ready.  If your event is local enough, you can do an end-to-end dry run of this visualization in real life.  If your event requires air travel, you can practice getting ready and going out the door.  In either case, the visualization exercise is more than half the effort in teeing you up for a successful morning. 

 
I hope these tips help you in your next in-person workshop event.  As you try these out for the first or third or tenth time, you will discover new things along the way.  Pause and reflect on these key learnings and I encourage you to continue fine tuning your experience, so each workshop improves over time. 

​Accountability is a hot topic for people.  People want it.  People crave it.  It is a great system to ensure that you follow through on plans, commitments, goals, outcomes, results, habits, rituals, and so much more.  I remember being bitten by the accountability bug.  So much so, that I almost started marketing myself as an accountability coach.  But I paused.  Because I love a good pause…and I wanted to dig into what does accountability really mean?

According to Merriam-Webster, accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.  What’s your energy like as you read that?  Remember, where energy flows attention will go.  Take a minute to unpack what this definition or other definitions of accountability means and how that model can work for you…because in the end, being accountable is a path to getting something done.  It is a system or a tool that follows up this question, “Did you do what you said you would do?”
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For some people, rigorous accountability systems can work.  Whether you call this type of system prescriptive, specific, task master-ish, or in-your-face, having someone or something ping you, ding you, or sting you can work towards the type of change, outcome, or transformation that you are hoping to see.  Can you think of a time when you were being held accountable by someone or something related to a deliverable or task?  What was that like for you?  In areas of leadership, the Harvard Business Review found that over 80% of managers feel they had zero ability to hold people accountable and that is the very thing the organization needs in leaders.  The article goes on to give recommendations on how to overcome that challenge in a workplace setting.  In areas of our personal goals – like with New Year’s resolutions, various studies show an 80% drop off rate within 90 days of the new year.  Discoverhappyhabits.com published a breakdown in 2022 that shows various statistics over the years on the drop off rate, where resolutions are focused, and what a person can do to not be a part of the 80% and stick with these resolutions into April and beyond.  These articles are great at breaking down the issue and offering tips.  What matters is, when it is time to meet the moment, do you?  And more importantly, how are you being as you do?

Often, coaching clients request support on being held accountable.  They describe experiences of overwhelm, being stuck, not knowing what to do next, or I did it and now what.  There is a sense that being held accountable is something relieving or a balm to what the real underlying issue may be.  Quite often, the system, solution, person, or community is considered a solution to addressing the underlying issue of what is getting in the way.  However, it is the system, solution, person, or community that is part of the journey in getting something done along the way.  For example, you can tick off the to do list with a YES I DID THAT energy in your checkmark, but how did you do it?  Was it with a begrudging energy that was suppressing your creativity?  Was it with a driven energy that took so much time because you lacked focus?  Was it a lonely energy because you were too proud to ask for some support?  You got it done, but you got it done in a way that wasn’t aligned to your core values.  What if you shifted your perspective just a little bit?  What if you can align one of your core values into your accountability needs?  This is the sweet spot in making your accountability system just a little more potent.  It’s like sticking the landing every time you do a cartwheel.  As you are tumbling through the action, you land with a YES I DID IT with heartfelt aplomb.  A step to discovering the solution may be asking this question, “What does accountability mean to you and how does that connect to one of your core values?”

When I pause and reflect on what accountability means to me, it is knowing that I did do what I said I would do.  It is acknowledging the effort, the habit, or routine that allowed me to experience something that is meaningful to me.  It isn’t a task or to-do item.  Sometimes, it is the smallest step or action towards something bigger, grander, and part of a larger story that I am hoping to leave behind.  This is quiet work.  The small wins of the day where there is no crowd cheering for you and where you may be the most powerful force to see that you followed through on something.  There is an energy to the idea of “being held accountable.”  It is a closed energy that staves off growth or an opportunity to knowledge share.  It is the “do as I say, not as I do” vibe that drops in and when it drops in, there is a weight to it that signals “DANGER” which then kicks up the fight or flight response in our brains.  What happens next?  We look for safety, comfort, and certainty – which leads us back to where we started, a desire to be held accountable by something or someone.

Allow your core values to be a part of your accountability model.  One of the most accessible tools in defining your core values is Brené Brown’s Core Values Sheet.  I believe we are all equipped with the inner wisdom to know what works for each of us.  It’s a matter of pausing and reflecting to see it and line it up.  Given enough practice, we offer ourselves a chance to demonstrate that core value over and over again.  It is the art of our own being. 

​It is a mastery of oneself.

​According to a 15 month study commissioned by Field Trip Health Ltd and completed by YouGov Pls, the results released in 2021 outlined the following statistics:
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• 80% of Americans showing at least one sign of depression
• Almost 50% of Americans described symptoms of mild to severe depression
• Younger Americans are describing poor or fair mental health rates
• Black communities were not likely to demonstrate symptoms of depression

These are just a few notes on mental health issues and as we continue to move to what the next normal may look like, we carry the key learnings of the pandemic with us.  During months of shelter in place, mental health surfaced for our communities to look at.  The isolation, the uncertainty, the despair, and the looming dread has had an impact on every individual on some level.  We have yet to see the full breadth of COVID 19’s impact.

It's these types of statistics that has caused a waiting list for mental health professionals, a need for more access to mental health resources, and interest in augmented systems of support like coaching.  Here are two ideas to assist you in discerning the difference between coaching and therapy.

In therapy, a licensed professional works with people in looking at past events related to trauma, emotions, and other psychological impacts to offer a space for recovery.  This process involves a diagnosis and possibly a treatment plan.
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In coaching, a certified professional works with people in looking at the present and future in supporting people towards the outcomes and results they wish to see with action.  There is no diagnosis, and the client is supported in seeing what is next for them to do.

As a person who has participated in therapy and coaching (which means I was a patient and client respectively), I can share my experience in offering some information around the differences between the two.  The gift of therapy came in the form of a statement.  In 2003, after spending many months at work voicing my frustration with my job, my life, and the stagnant progress of my career, my desk mate said to me, “The help you need, I can’t give you.” and she slipped a piece of paper across the desk and it had the toll free number to the Employee Assistance Program where we worked.  This moment impacted my life in such a big way because it allowed me to ask for help related to events in my life that included losing a parent in a car accident, losing four loved ones in twenty years, and relationship red flags.  There was a lot to process – guilt, shame, survivor’s guilt, anger management, abandonment issues and whatever else the therapist thought I had to work on – and I didn’t even know where to start. 

During these sessions, I was able to work through my undealt feeling of loss that occurred in 1987 when I lost my mom in a car accident.  The sadness in not being a better daughter for her while she alive.  Not learning how to cook her best dishes, not learning more about her and her history, and for living through the car accident while my dad lost the love of his life in that same event.  It was in the early 2000s where I finally had the courage to look at the sadness and the weight, I was carrying for over half my life.  It was happening at the right time because I was embarking on the possibility of moving from a non-management role to a management role and entering into a serious relationship that I hoped would lead to marriage.  There was a lot to review from my past.  The push to not be a problem for my dad which meant striving for better grades, going to a university, and not having wasted a life that could have been traded in for my mom’s.  The pressure and the feelings of unworthiness kept creeping in and I had a hard time moving past those events which meant I wasn’t always secure in my relationships with people or confident with my work 100% of the time.  At times, this chance to live felt like it was being wasted on someone like me…when if I could, I would have traded places with my mom so my dad could have had that happy life of retirement he had planned with her and that my brother could have more time with someone who wholly understood him in a way that no one else could.  There was no doubt in my mind that my mother’s life was more valuable than mine.  She had been here for 47 years.  She chose to marry someone and emigrate to America.  She chose to become an American citizen while faithfully supporting her family in the Philippines through letters, remittances, and visits the minute we moved closer to the country.  Her warmth, her demeanor, and her smile was always what helped someone feel seen and supported no matter where we lived – and we lived in many places due to our family’s life in the military.  From California to Virginia and Guam, she traveled coast to coast while shepherding her children through this Filipino-American experience with little knowledge or training.  What she did have, her street smarts and her undeniable resourcefulness to create a loving life and memorable life for all who met and knew her.  The guilt for living a life that paled to her contribution and the shame for living broke me down in ways I never fully understood until I went to therapy and it allowed me to heal with direction and guidance from someone who gave me cognitive tools to address the trauma and emotions that pulled me into behaviors that I didn’t always understand – like coping mechanisms that drove me to work long hours and have co-dependent relationships. 

We spent a tremendous time discussing feelings.  Feeling unloved, unwanted, unneeded, and how that led me to more feelings and to more feelings.  For three years, I looked at all my feelings and it allowed me to recover and repair things about my choices and the ultimate lesson I learned, was that everything had a beginning and an end.

I entered my second round of therapy ten years later – this time related to issues around my weekend warrior drinking.  In this therapy sequel, I spent time in outpatient rehab, time in AA meetings, and group therapy to work toward my sobriety.  When the familiar feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and feeling less than cropped up, I lost the handle hold of cognitive tools and found myself placating these emotions by dulling them, ignoring them, not acknowledging them, and inevitably, old wounds reopened and new ones formed.  I spent a solid nine months finding better support models and reacquainting myself to the emotions I thought I never had to meet up with again.  I had thought therapy was a one and done experience and it was incredibly helpful to experience it again and understand that this was just another beginning and another ending to my healing process – all in time for me to conceive my first child and be in a better mental state for her arrival in 2011.
 
In 2016, after my second child was born I was at a crossroads in my career.  I’ve done a lot of healing and understood that I will always be in recovery – and that’s ok.  The idea that everything has a beginning and an end registered in my brain.  What I wasn’t seeing was everything in the middle.  It’s similar to the idea of what is on one’s headstone – there’s your birth year, the year you die, and then the dash  -- everything that happens in the middle of those dates.  In the middle of those dates are cycles of beginnings and endings, and I was curious about the wondrous middle…the happenings of the middle and how I could spend my time looking at my career with my family in mind so I don’t fall into the pitfalls of guilt, shame, or overworking myself again.  I was seeing possibility in a life that felt more integrated with where I was at in my life – a partner, mother, hard worker, and someone wanting to move forward in a healthier way.  This was when I signed up for coaching and I immediately noticed differences between therapy and coaching.

In coaching, I was supported to see my own answers.   To tap into my inner wisdom and see what is really true about me, my core values, and where I derive meaning into my life.  I had space to drop into different perspectives and own the chatter – the stress, fear, doubt, and worry – that clouds my next movement or action.  I was able to spend time to clear up things about my life that was unfinished and create space for the things I wanted most – to connect with more people and create community.  I designed an action plan for myself and when I was hesitant or unsure, I had the time to really look at it in a way that wasn’t tied to the past and more tied to my present moment and where I would like to be.

The tools I received during this time is a guidance system to where my life’s path is headed.  Over the years, I’ve cultivated a practice that works for me, and the beauty of coaching is, every individual has a chance to iterate and develop what works for them.  We are all built with the inner wisdom to know what is right for us.  For me, this meant elevating my journal practice in an agile and iterative way.  I practice pause and reflection which allows me to trial and integrate tools in two-week sprints.  These time frames allow me to consider the enhancement and improvements that I am seeing with how I am showing up and meeting different moments of my life.  It has also allowed me to deepen a longstanding mindfulness practice in a deeper and intentional way.  Plus, I discovered my inner athlete and found the virtuous cycle of training and racing around road running and trail running a helpful reprieve from a sedentary work week.

We are tooled up, app’d up, resourced up’d, and trained up to do what we need to do 75%-90% of the time.  It’s that last stretch of moving from that vision into tangible outcomes and results, that’s where coaching comes into play.  As a mindset and life coach, I am the human gap solution to supporting clients in crossing that last 15%-20% stretch.

Being a part of someone’s well-being journey means ensuring that coaching is coming in at the right time.  Sometimes, healing needs to take place before coaching.  Giving yourself the time to heal from shadows and the roots of things is important to begin seeing the clarity in what’s ahead.  Sometimes, you can heal and do coaching at the same time.  This intersection is handled with care between clients and their licensed therapists  -- and coaches will follow the lead of the client when it comes to running these two paths at the same time.
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Wherever you may be on your mental health journey, please know you are not alone.  We are undergoing unprecedented times of uncertainty and the courage you are taking to support your brain health, heart health, mental health, spiritual health, and overall well-being is something to be celebrated.

I celebrate you and the steps you are taking each and every single day. 
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If you are looking to discover if coaching is coming in at the right time for you, please go to my contact page and book a complimentary discovery session with me.

After two decades of therapy untangling survivor’s guilt, anger management, and co-dependency, I was entering motherhood in a way that didn’t carry all the emotions of the past into it.  Naturally, the emotions and the memories of the past show up and when they did, I had just a little space to step towards that instead of the pitfalls of guilt for living through a car accident when my mother didn’t and judgment for people who are present when my mom was not.  I really wanted things to be different.  I was tired of the emotional swings that went from abandonment to success or from grief to devastation.  There was a desire to be more present to myself and to my two young children at the time.  With enough tools to describe what I was feeling and managing my emotions, I discovered there was something else I needed…some other tools or support that could offer me clarity on what’s next. 
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Basically, I’ve healed.  Now what?

It was 1999 and I remember watching trailers for Fight Club.  I was struck with its themes of identity, life’s purpose, and honestly, quite confused – a movie about dudes fighting for no reason?  As a fan of Helena Bonham Carter, I was truly excited to see her play a non-period piece role -- which up until this point, many of them were period piece roles and had Ms. Bonham Carter in a corset.  A Room with a View – the movie that jump started my Merchant Ivory fascination and Helena Bonham Carter fandom – CHECK.  Hazard of Hearts – check.  Lady Jane – check.  Maurice – check.  Hamlet – check.  Howard’s End – CHECK!  The Wings of a Dove – check.  I watched many of her movies and always enjoyed her performances.  Her presence, her commitment to the role, to the words, and just bringing the character to life was incredible to watch – and still is, hello The Crown.  I was intrigued when I saw her in the trailer.  Not to mention the lines – “your life ending one minute at a time”, “what piece of furniture defines you” and a sense of foreboding that is this what I have to look forward to – never feeling like I was enough?  I was 25 years old living in the Bay Area of Northern California struggling to make rent -- which was $500 a month for a basement studio underneath a main house in Hayward.  I was between relationships, wanting to get promoted, and wondering why I was feeling so sad all the time.  ALL THE TIME. 

What helps with my sadness?  Cinema.  Films.  Movies are an escape from the real world for me – especially when I see a movie in a theater.  I can disappear for 2-3 hours and sit in the dark, anonymously amongst others and laugh, cry, and think about what I am watching.  After pulling together enough money, I went to see Fight Club and I was astonished from the jump.  Watching the opening sequence with the brain firing up, I became more mindful of the brain’s response to stimuli.  In this case (and based on some IMDB trivia), the pathways demonstrated the narrator’s response to fear.  And pretty much after that, the whole movie deals with that response to fear, authority, purpose, self, and relationships with others.  I have mixed feelings with the violence, edgy pillow talk, and Project Mayhem – but there are a few key takeaways that ignited my curiosity about the mind and the mindset.  And as I embark on my life and mindset coaching work, the call back to this movie seems appropriate and worth a pause and reflect moment.

• “The things you own, wind up owning you.” 

When I heard this line, I knew I could never forget it.  The grind and hustle culture endures.  Not taking time to understand your life’s purpose or your calling can be a hindrance to your joy.  We think we can buy happiness.  We think owning certain things will fill a void.  In this movie, we can see that this is not the case.  Fight Clubs and Project Mayhems aren’t my source of joy – the lesson to seek joy or that feeling of aliveness – that is what resonated then, and still does now.
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• “The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.”

Chuck Palahniuk’s debut novel contains unforgettable lines.  His amazing way of capturing everyday conversations, weird happenings, and orchestrating a narrative that played out well in the book meant that this movie could pull the whole thing off cinematically – and it did.  When the camera pans around the circle of fighters and before the first fight, the rules are said allowed.  As the first rule is said, my immediate reaction is, “Hell yeah I am going to talk about Fight Club!”  In the not talking about the subject, your behavior, your posture, and your temperament speaks volumes.  Your presence brings forth that joy and excitement into other areas.  We’re not processing feelings here – we are taking action on the feelings.  Again, Fight Clubs and Project Mayhems aren’t my source of action – the lesson is to put an action behind what you dream about – that is what resonated then, and still does now.
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Movie Image from
Fight Club -
Jack and Marla looking out a high rise window.

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• “Where is my mind?”

This was the moment in the movie that pulled it all together.  When The Pixies’ song, “Where is my mind?” came on with Jack and Marla looking at the window watching the buildings crumble – it brought the metaphor of breaking down all my sadness to begin again.  When you have things taken away – the conveniences, the crutch, the go-tos, the band aid solutions – what are you left with?  Diving into the mind – understanding your energy and where it is flowing, attention will go.  Minding the mindset became very clear here.  I’ll say it one final time, Fight Clubs and Project Mayhems aren’t where my energy lies – but it illustrates where you point your attention, things become attainable. 
With a play on the song title, I often ask myself, “What is my mindset?  Right now?  Where is my mindset?” Whenever I consider my mindset first, I set the stage for what comes next.  There is something poetic about that brief pause and reflection to set up and follow through on something.  It’s that call to occupy a certain space, execute and enable the necessary skills, and move forward with action.

My name isn’t Robert Paulson.  My name is Elaine…and thanks for reading my first blog-flection -  highlighting movies (or books or shows) that offer me lessons in life, leadership, and parenting.