When It’s Time To Call In A Coach

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After two decades of therapy untangling survivor’s guilt, anger management, and co-dependency, I was entering motherhood in a way that didn’t carry all the emotions of the past into it.  Naturally, the emotions and the memories of the past show up and when they did, I had just a little space to step towards that instead of the pitfalls of guilt for living through a car accident when my mother didn’t and judgment for people who are present when my mom was not.  I really wanted things to be different.  I was tired of the emotional swings that went from abandonment to success or from grief to devastation.  There was a desire to be more present to myself and to my two young children at the time.  With enough tools to describe what I was feeling and managing my emotions, I discovered there was something else I needed…some other tools or support that could offer me clarity on what’s next. 
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Basically, I’ve healed.  Now what?

A Key Indicator – Being Stuck

My sticking point was related to networking with others.  Working in a large company can make you feel like a tick mark, headcount, and an expense.  Residing in this kind of container did not feel uplifting.  It felt lonely.  I felt invisible to people.  Within my immediate workgroup, I was part of something and there was a desire to be a part of something bigger.  To stretch the circumference of my circle just a little more.  As days passed in 2015, I felt compelled to join an employee resource group.  Just a little small step to do something different and move outside of my circle and broaden it with one community of people in a very safe way.  Putting myself out there with a whole new set of people was a forklift in skill.  I normally worked in a small team supporting bigger teams.  In this environment, you get to know people over time and if people didn’t know you, they at least knew your name, what you did, and when to call.  Leaving my workspace and entering a room where I wouldn’t know 90% of the people was not a skill that I had at the time.  And yet, it was critical to have and begin networking.  Otherwise, I would continue to occupy this lonely space where a third of my day is spent.  Truth is, after signing up with an employee resource group, I didn’t know what to do next.  I was stuck.

After a few months of meeting notices landing in my e-mail, workshop invitations dropping into my calendar, and seeing flyers on bulletin boards in the building, I thought, “Wow, the employee resource does an outstanding job in putting together events and promoting them, so why wasn’t I clicking yes and attending?  Why was I locked into my workspace?”  As soon as I had that experience, there was another invitation to attend a workshop.  For some reason, this workshop was not in the building.  This workshop was in downtown San Francisco and the idea of leaving the East Bay excited me.  That little nugget wiggled me out of being stuck, so I went ahead and clicked on the email to see the details on registration and downloaded the calendar invite to keep it on my calendar.

​As the workshop approached, I was getting nervous.  “What would I wear?  What do I need to bring?  Are there corners for me to hide in?”  Suddenly, I was making myself invisible to avoid talking to other people which was the very thing I was yearning for.  Isn’t it funny how life does this to you?  What you really want is the thing that can move you to discomfort?  This train of thought could have kept going like the subway trains in New York – never-ending.  To hop of the train, I called my sister-in-law and told her about this workshop…and I invited her.  At least I would know ONE person and that settled my mind down to get me to this workshop.  Thankfully, she said yes to going and my plan became more achievable.

This workshop was a Women’s Leadership Workshop.  There were at least 50 people there.  People from tech companies, small business owners, people who worked at non-profits – so many different women from different energies, it was the very thing that I needed to see – that there is life outside out my workspace.  There are thriving women who look engaged, who want to network, and who want to make a difference in this world.  There was excitement, anticipation, and an eagerness to get to something – what it was, I didn’t know, but you could sense we were all there for a reason.  Was it to lead or to be led? 
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In two hours, we were led by a fantastic facilitator who offered statistics and information on why women in leadership are critical to companies.  We went through the paces of ice breaker introductions and answered questions about our fears and what we want out of life.  It was a different conversation.  It was a conversation that I didn’t get to have day to day at work.  I was used to pulling and mashing up data.  Deadlines, due dates, missed deliverables, extensions, a cycle of tasks that were getting done with a level of emptiness that I didn’t realize until I attended this workshop and started a pause and reflection practice.

As I completed iterative cycles of journaling, I could see:

All the steps that got me to this workshop moved me out of being stuck.

Stuck in a cycle of never-ending work that could be automated and relegate me out of this role.
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Stuck in a cycle of commuting fast and furiously from my job to picking up my kids for another round of evening caregiving.

Stuck in a world where I was growing ever more invisible because of role assignments, gender, and hierarchy.

This was a different feeling.  There are emotions when you are stuck and yet, there is something else.

There is a call to discover what is next.

There is a vision to what you see for yourself.

There is that call to adventure – the unexpected, uncertain, and new.

How we respond to these experiences is where coaching can support you.

Little by little, I answered this call.  To discover my core values and what meaningful things in my life give me purpose.  Brain training in different ways to shift my energy and attention to those core values and intentions.  Deepening self-awareness and discernment to see what is really stopping me from moving – whether it’s forward, backward, or sideways – having that continuous motion around learning, growing, and keeping curiosity top of mind.

That is the value of coaching.

A space to drop in and observe what’s around you – internally and externally.

Time to see the gap to the results you want and then walking through what can get you there with all the experiences, memories, tools, skills, talents, and qualities that are already in you waiting to get unleashed.

Where there is value, there is power.

Coaching is a powerful tool to wiggle you out of being stuck especially when you desire action and change.